Random is not Dead
by BeaQue
Summary: Slytherins. Talking. In their common room. What could be more shocking? Contains a very evil Voldemort and Draco, a mysterious Author, a comprehensible Crabbe, singing first years, and a random Pansy. I am not insane. Dedicated to Jontie
1. The Unmodifyable Chapter

Summary: Slytherins. Talking. In their common room. What could be more shocking? Contains a very evil Voldemort and Draco, a mysterious Author, a comprehensible Crabbe (heehee, that rhymes) singing first-years, and a random Pansy. I am not insane. Dedicated to Jontie. Rated for very mild language and extreme comedic violence.

Disclaimer: Star wars aint mine, innit. Neither is Harry Potter ORLily Savageeven though I've had several tempting offers… (cough) nuff said.

**Random Is Not Dead**

The Chapter the Author isn't Capable of Modifying:

The room flickered with the low light from the fire. Snowflakes floated past the open window, and two Slytherins called Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy were sat in the empty chairs by the fireplace.

Said two Slytherins were, to say the least, acting very random.

And the first random thing that happened after the Author of this story began spying (shifty eyes) on the slimy pair (Pansy screams in protest) was Draco Malfoy giving a rather accurate description of himself….

"I am very evil. I like killing things. Death is fun. Muahaha!"

Before Voldemort (SCREAMS!) appeared out of thin air, despite all of the wards and spells and other stuff that is supposed to _stop_ that nonsense, and-

"I am evil also. I enjoy killing things as well. Death is also rather amusing to me. Hee Hee."

And Draco, feeling that he was being rather out-eviled, maliciously replied-

"You are not as evil as I am. I am the most evil in the world!"

Voldie (JK Rowling smacks author over the head) replied-

"No you are not! You are only partially _evil_! I am the most _evil_ in the world! And I'm not just _evil_, I am also… (Star wars music begins to play in the bakckground:_** Dun dun dun-dun dun dun-dun dun dun dun-duuuun)** _Your Father!"

To which Draco screamed in a very OTT Luke Skywalker-style-type-way- "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ect…!"

(Random Intermission in which Harry Potter entertains us with and uncanny impression of Lily Savage)

This is the most depressing part in the whole sort-of chapter thing, as this is exactly the same moment when an ugly, unpleasant, and generally quite random and humorous girl called Pansy says in a rather vague voice…

"This reminds me of something about Stars and Wars, but I can't think of the name…" she struggles…

To which her grotesque friend Goyle said-

"Stars Wars. That was relatively obvious."

"How on earth did you get here?"

"I walked through the door."

Pansy blinks, "Well that's… not unusual."

Suddenly we are zipped back to the non-existent plot as Draco says something totally (PIGS!) RaNdOm …

"I cannot believe that you are my father!"

"Well, don't get used to it, because I'm not..."

Draco sighs in a girly way.

"… I am your impregnated husband from another life."

Draco faints. Pansy sighs.

"Oh dear," she says, "I knew he had narcolepsy (find out at the bottom of the page)."

Crabbe, who again appears out of thin air as the Author is feeling very unimaginative at the moment, snaps-

"He fainted out of shock you stupid woman."

Pansy, Goyle and Voldemort faint.

"What did I do wrong?"

NNYYY_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

Next Chapter: Find out what Crabbe did wrong! Why did everybody faint? And what was the certain thing that Crabbe happened to do to cause everybody (including the Author) to fall unconscious? Oh, and how on earth is Draco going to cope with the deep mental scars after finding out that Voldemort is his impregnated husband blah blah blah… RABBITS!

Narcolepsy is a type of mental state where you just suddenly fall asleep at any random time for no reason whatsoever.

This story had to be re-written for certain reasons, which I am not very eager to tell you (cough).

Sorry this chapter was so short, but I am certain the next one will be much longer! Tarraah!

Reviewers get pancakes! (imaginary duh)


	2. In a bit of a pickle

HALLO!

I know that Jontie liked this story before it was taken off so THAT is why it is dedicated to him. The title comes from Kurt Cobain's 'Grunge is not dead' thing. /sniff/ I love Kurt Cobain. If he was alive and divorced I would marry him.

Disclaimer: Bruce Forsythe, Panty-liners, Dr Pepper, Sindy, Danni Minogue, Peter Pan, The Lost Boys, Earl Gray Tea, Flamingo's and Steve Martin do not belong to me OR JK Rowling. (HA!)

Random is not Dead 

My, My, My, Aren't we in a bit of a Pickle?

After Crabbe had revived the four unconscious people (me included) he stared at them for a while with his mouth open. Droll began to roll out. But then it rolled back in again and gave a happy little wink and a smile before colliding with his tonsils..

Pansy sighed, "Now there's the Crabbe I know and love!" And she gave him a big fat juicy… grapefruit. Well, what did you expect?

"Yeah, he's usually completely incomprehensible and normally in a gormless stage of demonic and unworthy fright under a large dose of aspirin with penguin-induced margherita's yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!" Goyle cried.

Silence. Pansy slapped Bruce Forsythe.

"I thought you were in love with me!" Draco sniffed.

"NO!" Voldemort cried, "She's in love with me!"

"Me!

ME!

Me!

ME!"

Pansy turned off the tape recorder and turned towards the two men that had been silent for the last few minutes and were simply glaring at eachother. She gave them both grapefruits too.

"I love you both!" She cried.

"Ew." Goyle said.

Pansy stared at Voldemort, "Aren't you supposed to be Draco's impregnated husband from another life?"

"Oh yeah!" Voldie said. (Author dodges mallet)

"Yeah," Draco leant back in his chair, "How did that come about? No pun intended!"

Voldemort coughed authoratively and perched on the coffee table with his hands clasped over his knees. He opened his mouth to speak when…

a fly flew in it. (_What?)_

After choking for five minutes Voldemort was finally comprehensible. He sat upright and spoke loudly to the room.

"Never cough on a handkerchief before the shop assistant hurls a badger."

"Pardon?" Asked the room.

"Never you mind!" Draco snapped at it. He turned back to Voldemort with shiny, adoring eyes, "Oh speak to us great master. What words of wisdom are you going to share with your humble servants?"

"Yes," The others chorused, "Speak to us, oh master."

They gathered around his feet in and extremely Peter Pan/Lost Boys-esque type way. Voldemort cleared his throat.

"Panty-liners are made for women and so Professor Dumbledore should not drink Dr Pepper."

Many oooohhhh's and aaaahhhh's reverberated around the room.

"Sindy reached puberty and so Danni Minogue passed water."

"Oooohhhh…"

"Earl Gray is not a tea, but a Flamingo's hostage."

"Aaaahhhh…"

"Steve Martin is a fraud."

Silence.

Pansy cocked her head to one side, "You're preggers aren't you?'

Voldemort disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The Leaning tower of NY_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA_

Well, you know what Crabbe did. He had a small part in today's episode, but you found out what you needed to know, with a few wise words along with it.

Next chapter: God knows. Hmm… maybe we'll get a look at those singing first years.

LOOK AT JONTIE'S STUFF! IT'S MAGIC!


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